'Letter' from Julie Ward MEP to Theresa May, ahead of tonight's EU27 dinner on Article 50:

If I was you Theresa, I would take a big supply of digestifs as you seem to have had some problems absorbing the ingredients from previous dinners of a similar nature.

Presumably you’ve already done your homework? You should know by now that the Four Freedoms are indivisible? If not, small-talk will be nigh impossible.

However, a good aperitif might loosen the tightness you are feeling regarding a backstop.

For hors d’oeuvres I suggest you enjoy some fresh crudités while you can; even simple dishes of raw vegetables may become scarce after Brexit as there will be no hard-working Eastern Europeans prepared to harvest the fields of Not So Merry England. Already, we have witnessed crops rotting for lack of a sufficient workforce as a result of the post-referendum racism and xenophobia. Who would have thought that carrots would become an expensive luxury?

The fish dish will be from a sustainable source, in direct contravention of Nigel Farage’s libertarian over-fishing recipe for disaster regarding oceanic diversity. You should certainly savour the chicken dish for a main course, because EU health and safety rules mean that no chlorinated US meat will have been allowed to even enter the market, let alone get into the kitchen!

Oh and when they bring the Clafoutis des Cerises for dessert, remember it's all or nothing - no cherry-picking!

The cheese plate will remind you that the EU fiercely protects the geographical indication of English Cheddar, Wensleydale, Leicester and Lancashire cheeses, and other unique foodstuff specialities.

A moderate glass of port might be in order but over-consumption could lead to an attack of gout although your EHIC is luckily still in force whilst we remain in the EU.

PS Don't mention Chequers because the 27 might just think it’s a game and they already learned that you don't like the rules!

An original bespoke advisory menu by Julie Ward NW England Labour MEP and European Citizen